you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
