I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
His nipple licking is glorious
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