her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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