I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
