I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
