Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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