there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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