I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
