Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
