just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
