At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Randomize