Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
