she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
