only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
