i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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