I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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