Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
