not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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