i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
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