Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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