I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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