If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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