well you can't waste a boner
you have to choose: penises or morals?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
