My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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