You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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