this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
