if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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