Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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