One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
