The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
