mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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