More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business