today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
