I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
