dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
he's single and there are thong briefs.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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