strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
