remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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