Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
