My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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