Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
