forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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