How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
