singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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