Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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