I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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