dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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