the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
