Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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