Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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