if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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