gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
