hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
