so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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