I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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