She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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