The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
