Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
